I am not a number and neither are you!

Let’s face it, does anyone really like stepping on a scale? I never met someone who finds this a positive experience. Yet when you go to the doctor you don’t have a choice. 
If you followed by National Eating Disorder week posts a few months ago you can imagine why this is a sensitive subject. Back in my ED days I would weigh myself everyday and freak out if the scale gave me a number that was above the day before. I saw the low numbers as an accomplishment and prided myself that I was 103 and dropping. 

Well clearly some time has gone by and I’ve been up and down the scale numerous times. Today I had to step on the scale due to visiting the doctor for a terrible sinus infection and let’s just say I was not pleased to see the number. I have been titled by many the “ workout queen” due to my lengthy workouts each day. I’ve been lifting heavier and know in my head that I’m gaining muscle but to see the number the highest it’s been in a few years felt like someone was slapping me across the face saying, “ ha you work so hard but your number increases.”  I am in a place of self ridicule and it hurts. And then I say to myself it’s just a number but how do you feel? Well I’m not happy with the way I physically feel either so that adds to the issue. Now I see that number and I’m trying to think of how to diet restrict again (which I know back fires). I eat clean and healthy and I dislike the way I look. I can’t tell you the last time I looked in a mirror and liked what I saw. Diets don’t work and it’s about lifestyle change. But I love a healthy lifestyle so why is the number displeasing and why does a number DEFINE who I am? 

In any context it sucks to feel like you are a number whether it is work related, weight related, waiting at the dmv related, audition related etc. It takes  away our meaning of who we are as people like our complete personalities become a 3 digit number. And the higher the number the worse we feel. I mean who likes being number 180 at an audition? Or a high number at the dmv? High number =unhappiness. 

When it come to weighty issues numbers are thrown at us like how much we weigh, how much we want to lose/gain, the number of your BMI. Will being 10 more or less pounds make us better people? I’ve known lots of people who lost a lot of weight and their personalities were lost. This happened to me during eating disorder days. The lower the number the less I felt like me. 

I want to get to a place where I can confidently not care what the scale number reads because it is just a number. I am more than stepping into a piece of machinery and let it display a number that will push me down. We are not numbers! Cheers to being us no matter what your number is! 

Authentically yours,
Julie 🙏🏻